...but I'm going to write it anyway.
Some of my faithful readers may not know this, but childbearing has been hard on my body. Complications, surgeries, and hernia repairs kept me in fairly constant pain and various levels of incapacity for about four years. In spite of this, I very much wanted another child. I always just assumed we'd have a two child household, and never bothered to imagine things any other way. But, as time passed and the health implications of another pregnancy became very clear and very scary, Andy and I decided together that we simply could not take that risk.
As my dad said when I told him this, everyone makes a decision to stop having kids at some point. This has helped immeasurably as I grieve the child that will never be and my long-cherished vision of my family. Hey, I'm not the only one who's come to the end of her reproductive life! The decision is an emotion-filled one whenever you make it. I have my good days and my bad days with this stuff, but at this moment I can not fathom a time when I will not be entertaining the "what if" of creating another human being.
Now that we've decided this, it's time to move forward and to that end we looked into beefing up our contraception. For awhile, a vasectomy seemed like a good option, but there are some concerns that rule that out at least for the foreseeable future. My preferred option became an IUD. Because I absolutely did not want to go on any sort of hormonal birth control ever again.
And then I went to my GYN. She talked me into going on the pill because it is reliable but not long-term and she thought it was a better option than an IUD for a gal who's had a lot of pelvic pain and doesn't want to risk more. I am so easily intimidated by "experts" who treat me like I don't know my own body and therefore need to be led around by the nose. Rather than sticking to my guns, I caved and started taking the Yasmin birth control pill a few days later.
And then everything went all to hell.
I couldn't figure out why everything was so annoying, why the world had suddenly gone from rosy to unbearable. From where I was sitting, it was all Andy's fault and I was paranoid that he was actually scheming ways to make me feel like a worthless lump. I was tired, grumpy, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep and started having heart palpitations. And that chest pain? Well, it's not blood clots (yay!) probably just panic attacks. A week and a half in, Andy sat down next to his very teary wife and asked if I there was anything I needed to talk about. I started babbling and blubbering and it took us all of about 3 minutes to realize that it had all started when I started on the pill. I wanted to see it out-sometimes these things do get better-and contacted both the GYN and my psychiatrist.
My psychiatrist was helpful-he upped my meds and thanked me for keeping him in the loop, asking me to check back in should I need anything. The GYN was slightly less helpful, saying that we should just switch to condoms with emergency contraception as a backup. I have no idea in what world that constitutes a viable option for a couple angling for sterility. That pretty well pissed me off, to be honest.
As the month wore on, the increased anti-depressants weren't having any effect, so my psychiatrist recommended further adjustment and I gave up on Yasmin. Clearly not the pill for me. My GYN offered up more vague discouragement about an IUD, but I'm going for it anyway-just have to wait until the right time of the month to call and get one fitted. I'll be going for the non-hormone one, thank you very much.
So, here I sit. I'm taking double the anti-depressants that had kept my mood stable for over a year. Two weeks after quitting the pill I'm still not sleeping well, still teary, still unmotivated, and still seeing a glass that's 2/3 empty. I have no idea who is sitting here typing this, but I don't like her very much and desperately want her to go away so I can get back to my life. It feels like very unfair fallout for such a carefully considered decision. I'm sure I'll stop feeling sorry for myself once balance is restored, but in the mean time I'm pretty grouchy and miserable.
Thanks for reading-it felt good to unload that one on the interwebs.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
...but I'm going to write it anyway.