Dianetics

How do we know we're not in Schaumburg?

A reasonable question with an unusual answer...

Here, at least in this particular part of San Jose, everything is in terms of driving distance. No parks, no playgrounds, no grocery stores, there’s a Starbucks but that doesn’t really count, limited public transit, no public spaces at all. But you can tell a lot about a place like this by its malls...

The nearest mall to us is modestly named “Great Mall.” It is inaccessible by public transit from our apartment except for an hour or so right around rush hour. It is “ginormous,” as Elise would say. We broke the rules this afternoon and got in the car to check it out.

Great Mall is a big outlet mall that’s gone slightly upscale. They even have a movie theater. They also have those little kiosk/cart things that have taken over mall corridors everywhere. And that’s when it hit me. How, apart from the weather, do I know I’m not in Schaumburg?

Dianetics.

That’s right, friends. A kiosk at the mall selling Scientology to the masses. And what are the odds I’d make this startling discovery on the VERY DAY that Tom Cruise was being let go from Paramount for excessive weirdness?

So, the conclusion here is that Woodfield shoppers not only have to endure winter, but they have to do it without the sweet comforts of a Dianetics kiosk.

Given the great opportunity practically at our doorstep (it’s only 15 minutes away by car!) it would be nearly criminal not to take advantage. Please use the “add a comment” feature below to suggest the best way in which to introduce ourselves to the staff at the kiosk. Come up with something exciting and we’ll do it, bringing our hidden camera(s) along.