Saturday, March 22, 2008


Easter is everywhere. It's my least favorite of the various religious celebrations around, largely because it introduces a freaky element to the beautiful season that is spring. People here in the Bay Area seem unusually excited about it, and can't wait to get to the next egg hunt with their kids. Even storytime at the library was filled with eggs and bunnies. This of course beats the heck out of crucifixes everywhere, but I have a hard time viewing the Easter Bunny with the same good grace as Santa. While I don't imagine egg hunts to be a gateway activity that eventually leads to sacrificing goats on the kitchen table, I would prefer slightly less social pressure to conform to this "traditional" celebration while I look for ways to mark the spring more meaningfully for myself and my family.

Tonight, I've got coffee & coughing kid induced insomnia, so I thought I'd share my own version of the Easter Story.

Every year at Easter, Jesus the King of the Undead walks the earth to feast on the braaaaaaiiiiiiins of local fertility goddesses everywhere. You know he's coming when rabbits get so scared that their droppings become brightly colored and the size of chicken eggs. (A few of the bolder rabbits produce only jelly beans, for which we are thankful.) Bunnies must be very careful at this time of the year, for one look into the eyes of their zombie overlord will turn them into a lump of chocolate. Those whose brains He harvests become hollow and fix the world with a vacant stare forevermore.

This is not just idle fantasy. Australia's rabbit problem stems entirely from the fact that it's autumn there when Easter arrives rather than spring. Why a loving deity would invent axial tilt just to mess with Australia is beyond me, but I'm neither omnipotent nor omniscient so I have to assume there's some nuance to this that I'm missing.

Of course, this little story has nothing on David Sedaris, the true master of the holiday.


Anonymous said...

For my library little ones (K-1) this week we did rabbit stories, I confess, but they were pointedly not Easter rabbits--Br'er Rabbit, Emily Brown's stuffed rabbit, The Tortoise and The Jackrabbit, that kind of thing. I had one kid say that they should be Easter bunnies, but I only had to say that not everyone was getting ready for Easter for him to return to the story at hand.

All of what you said is why I am only celebrating Andy's birthday this week-end and without a single jelly bean or boiled egg.

Peter said...

In the immortal words of Hubert Farnsworth, "Sweet Zombie Jesus!"

Jaya said...

Speaking as the representative Christian, I could do without the eggs and the bunnies too. Except maybe the chocolate ones.

Anonymous said...

Isn't it good that the family has a representative Christian or two, plus a Hindu and some other players to be determined later. It helps to keep us balanced and not as wacky as we might be. Thanks Jaya. And thank you, Pastor Char.

Jaya said...

You don't have to be religious to like chocolate! :)

Anonymous said...

Thank God--or whoever--for that, Jaya.